Why Snickers? Why?
I’ve been a loyal consumer of all things Snickers for quite a long time; frozen Snickers from the icebox, Snickers bites, Snickers ice cream bars. But now I feel deeply and truly betrayed. Why you ask? Because of “Snickers Charged”. As I write this, I’m trying desperately to remove the remnants of said “Snickers” from my mouth, and hopefully memory. The “Snickers Charged” (hereafter “SC”) is Snickers’ entry into the lucrative (but very two years ago… Ed.) “cram caffeine into items that have no logical reason to have caffeine in them” market. One bar = 60 mg of caffeine, about the same as a cup of coffee, less that the average energy drink.
I normally wholeheartedly endorse and support this market mind you. I’ve bought caffeinated soap. But this is… wrong. First, there’s no reason for it. If you’re eating a Snickers and need a caffeine boost, drink a soda. “But I can’t have a candy bar and a soda, that’s riduculously bad for you.” Have you looked at the ingredient list on a regular Snickers? Throwing a Mountain Dew on top of that is like taping a hand grenade to a nuclear bomb; sure in theory it does more damage now, but not so you’d notice. I can’t imagine being such a hardcore, hard charging, XXXtreme sports, B.A.S.E. jumping, mad man that I NEED to ingest my caramel, nougat, and caffeine simultaneously. And if I were, I’d want more that the tepid boost of 60 mg of caffeine. ‘Go big or stay home’ as the kids say. Let’s see “Snickers: Epinephrine Cardiac Needle Edition”. Although that might be a challenge to the packaging designers.
Second is the taste. Snickers are a deceptively simple confection. With a handful of ingredients, it hits most of the pleasant high notes that the average person requires. Sweet, savory, hint of salt, a bit of texture and crunch, but not obtrusively so, and yielding to a pleasant mouth coating paste with a couple of good chews. What can I say, I loves me some candy. Well friends, caffeine is bitter, and shoving a lot of it into something is difficult if you care about, or have expectations about, the final test. The formerly fine folks at Mars have failed here. The SC has a subtle bitterness, that grows more pronounced over the course of eating it. Which is why I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth. This, I think, is the precise opposite of the desired end result to the consumption of a candy bar.
So all in all, 0 for 2. Good hustle, you’ll get ’em next time tiger.